ours

do you hear the background noise?

living in the shadows of our fear

go ahead

let it go

it never mattered

watch it fall away

the world stops to watch

through rose colored lenses

feeling our love

intense and transparent

learning to walk

again

stumbling

changing our life's purpose

run towards me, not away

this is not an exercise

in futility

this is life and it's so real

feeling the need, sealing our faith

counting our lucky scars

breaking the surface

coming up for air

breathing (for the first time)

lightning crashing around us

we fall in surrender

kiss me

feeling it

every time I think of you

my heart swells, pounding

dancing joyously in my chest

whenever I ponder what might be

my mind wanders/wonders

lost in a daydream of possibility

thoughts of you come faster and faster

taking me, stealing my breath, lifting me up

leaving me starry eyed and (magnificently) distracted

is this what I think it is? no....couldn't be (could it?)

it's been so long since I've felt this way

it's a warm, wonderful, unfamiliar feeling

like the embrace of God, so inviting

do you feel it too? or is it just a trick of my heart?

I've been deceived before, betrayed by my hopes

sometimes you want something so badly

you're willing to run toward the mirage...so thirsty

but I feel you so this can't be a mirage (can it?)

run with me and let's find out together

I know it's scary, I get that...so what?

if you hold my hand and look me in the eyes

feel the touch of my lips on yours, so soft

trust in your heart as I have come to

the world only holds the power we give it

let's take it back, let's live this dream

nothing is more courageous than real love

and you haven't lived/loved until you've felt it

it lives in the dream of your kiss...

boxing paul

...and if sometimes, I can't seem to talk

you'll know this blackboard lacks a piece of chalk...

Stan Ridgeway

falling

life

shot from a cannon

hitting the wall

breaking the waves

exhilaration

driven by urgency

desperation (fear, it's always fear)

driven by history

looking as I leap

have mercy on me

watching your shadow pass

the faith is in my fall

caught up in connection

can't catch my breath

pieces of me tumbling

head over heals

(careful what you wish for)

make me scream

dance with my soul

make that leap of faith

I love this part...

been a while

my mind is quiet, my soul subdued

not sure I like this...I miss the chaos

more to come

shine with me

like old varnish

colors mutate

belief will fade

love can fail

shining bright

like the sun

resigned to go down

breathe it in

while it lasts

when it's gone

climb to the top (alone)

look around

everything comes

at a price

sun sets earlier

as autumn arrives

moon chasing it down

dark and lonely

never ending pursuit

beauty...almost

always dies first

take me in

make us whole

keep it in faith

holy and sacred

let's fill this space

with all we can be

holding it close

transported

When I woke up this morning, the world felt right. Sometimes you have to put your life in perspective, you have to look at the highs and the lows and realize that even though it isn't perfect, it's pretty damn good. You wake up and have a cup of coffee, knowing you are loved and feel the warmth of the sun on your face and in your life.

I like where I am, I like what I do and I like where it's going. I'm inspired by green eyes and clear thoughts. Good days being followed by great days. I feel it. Bring it...

your green eyes

green eyes

not

just a color a mood

sometimes in the middle of...

strange

out of place

you've touched me

reached right out

grabbed me

I sense my grasp on reality.........slipping

I know the love I feel is real

yours mine ours

is it the same for you?

does your mind play tricks on me

excitement making you anxious to know

love can feel like a bus

running me over or

a wind

lifting me like a leaf, gently

blowing me in your direction

often

I can't tell the difference

help me feel this, make it real

please

refugee

I lie awake

night enveloping me

thoughts of you creep in

stealing my heart's fear

longing for your touch

soft and sweet, purposeful

friend, lover, savior

insecurities melt away

wish I were with you

closing the distance

discovering our potential

detaching from the pain

passion is hard to find

even harder to hold

you give me faith

we give me hope

live, love, learn with me

don't fear the night

it belongs to us now

stay and burn...

like a house on fire

the weight

breathe
calm down
stop
just stop

somehow
my enthusiasm
makes you uncomfortable
why?
is it the intrusion?
(your life's a prize?)
what is it about
emotion
that creeps you out?
is it the exposure?
vulnerability?
responsibility?

you really want
reward without
risk
sensation without
stimulation
love without
exposure

where's the adventure in that?

fate loves the fearless

this would be so much easier if I could only stop caring...but you give me hope (damn you)

...why does asking for your love make me weak?

more to come...

the unknown

there is no safety in the unknown

but it is our only hope

live and love fearlessly

(re)born

take all you want

(want all you take)

feel the way you hate

(hate the way you feel)

it's been a while since any of this made sense

the things we're most frightened of are the most worthwhile

can't you feel that? the adrenaline rush coming on

embrace this feeling...so visceral, so pure, so real

the spark in your eyes is all I need to set myself on fire

ask me to stay and kiss me hard, I know you want to

lay your head on my cross and whisper to me with your hands

we are a temple, a new religion, a brand new dogma

driven by our needs and animal instinct...unashamed

we climb the altar to consummate, a carnal sacrifice

our bodies and lives come together in perfect union

hips grinding, frenzied eyes lock, breath coming in gasps

inhibitions fall away with our old skin and we are reborn

intervention

soaring high above my damage

broken wings worrying me

so much closer to the flame

exposed by my naive heart

apparitions hovering above

spirits of my hopeless quest

life, full of fear and angst, remains

merciless, empty, and far too long

in vain my soul survives

fodder for this pointless flesh

choices seem even more irrelevant

deviants should never pray

falling into the dead, black sea

floating in my abandoned words

irresistible forces tug at me

drowning in the undertow

self-medication/meditation

I've only just become addicted

aren't lovers always the suckers?

chasing the dragon, proving our worth

I'm so tired of it, all I need

sick of giving it all away, nothing left

I watch the lights go down and I know

closer to the flame, nearer to the blame

if we could only

chemicals between us

we don't/can't comprehend

missives and thoughts

become reasons and lies

hope strings us along

faith is a subterfuge

love a mirage...wavering

always in the distance

wandering through my life

alone, often as not (alone)

yearning for the craving

will it ever be real again?

remembering the future

I've waited

forever

to feel

wanting

needing

remembering

hot breath

soft touch

sensual and perfect

evidenced in your eyes

I run breathless to you

collapse at your feet, spent

knowing you will realize

my heart will reach your sea

perfect aura surrounds us

keeping me safe and sound

remembering what we will be

dreaming (finally)

don't fade

stay in here with me

I need to know that someone still believes

...if I let my heart pour out, the dam would break. My words fall short of my thoughts. It seems no one wants what I most want to give away...my heart, my mind, my love...I want to feel, I want to touch...I need to stop wanting it so much. But I can't, I won't. This is too important. Love is my essence. I need to give it as surely as I need to exhale...and I've not breathed out in such a long time.

Why do I cry as I write these words? Am I so weak as to think I'm not lovable? What makes my heart so unappealing? Is it somehow diseased? Doesn't my desire justify anything? It's like I'm in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears me. Why won't someone listen? I see the look in your eyes...you hear me, God damn it, I know you hear me!

Are my dreams impossible to realize? Is it not feasible to love someone completely, without measure, without limit or condition? Can I not feel the love of another? Maybe that's it, maybe I'm broken, unable to feel, numbed by the years of apathetic existence. Will no one ever look at me with the eyes of love? That gaze that says I know who you are...you're the one, and I've been searching for you for so long...

...I want to be remembered for what I gave away, what I shared, not what I took. Every night I close my eyes and think that tomorrow is another chance. I say it all the time, every day offers us the hope of our hearts, the ability to turn our dreams into our reality. I refuse to live in fear of never finding the heart that knows mine. I know it's out there and tomorrow may be the day it finds me. Life is so short and you have to sleep to dream...

12 hours later...

Life turns on (you) a dime, be ready for it...

Why are you all so afraid? Life isn't that hard.

It's just...life. It's beautiful and I refuse to be scared.

beautiful day

I woke this morning full of hope, full of love and knowing

the future holds all I can imagine and more.

special K

life never stops

hard and fast,

unrelenting

unforgiving

no quarter given, ever

unbearable pain

on and on and on

I see you, standing strong

back stiff, leaning into the wind

raging against the maelstrom

lightning flashing, rain pounding

you...shaking your fist, screaming

no time for fear, no appetite for compromise

not to be defeated, never to be conquered

possibilities exist that you create

your strength, beauty set in stone

the universe bends to your will

enthralled by your quiet power

amazed by your soft presence

please take me along for the ride

grant us your love, I beg

the waiting

I woke this morning

and you were there

not in a corporeal sense

but in every other way

I haven't seen you

but I know you

we haven't touched

but I feel you

life has become surreal

ghostly images of you

float through my dreams

my consciousness raised

I haven't held you

but I've felt your love

we haven't kissed

but when we do...

(oh my God, when we do...)

the clocks will stop for us

when we touch, we will become one

once I've held you, nothing else will matter

once we've kissed, our lives will be changed

for now

I must abide

anticipation building

my head knows the value of patience

my heart understands the reward of release

An Honor...

I want to give a big shout out and many thanks to Noelle from http://collectionofpoetry.blogspot.com/ for the huge honor

of featuring me as her "Poet of the Week"! Please take

a moment and check out her awesome blog!

Thanks for your support, Noelle!

Paul

when we meet

don't I know you?

if not in this life, in another

I see you in the distance

you turn and meet my gaze

dumbstruck by your beauty

my feet feel locked in place

the world is spinning out of control

this is where fantasy and reality begin to meld

we move closer, floating in time and space

I feel the electricity build as we are drawn together

to not allow this union would be to deny our very nature

as we close the distance our worlds begin to dissolve

now at arms length, hands reaching out urgently

just as we are about to touch, silent and driven...a spark

no longer a figment of our imagination, seizing reality

our fingers lock in an unbreakable grip (don't let go)

all the worries of our hearts released, we know

what will happen when we kiss?

when we are locked in a lovers embrace

feelings we dared not dream of, rising

defeating our fears, comforting our souls

and we will storm the gates of heaven...together

rocked (fear denied)

mind reeling

pulse racing

blood pumping

left speechless by our beauty

to feel your caress

soft, sensual and maddening

to hear your whisper

close, quiet and breathless

our lips touch, tongues dancing

velvety, wet, wanting

my hand in the small of your back

pulling you into my warm embrace

you push against me, skin on skin

overcome by primal need, pure passion

desire so intense it threatens to consume us

so cleanly, so gently, my life slips slowly into yours

tough time

my mind is so full today...I have overwhelmed myself...I'll get back to you

pieces

brave...and crazy

and I came to play

so worn out from the status quo

out for ourselves, never mind the cost

but what we protect is what we lose in the end

(I need to be honest at this point. I have no clue what I'm looking for.

Sometimes it seems almost indefinable, a complete mystery to me.

Have you ever stood so close to something you can't see it? That's what this feels like.

It has no form, no physical shape, no identifying characteristics, it's simply an idea...)

why can't we have it all? I don't understand

I want it all and I will do almost anything to get it

there are pieces of me scattered throughout so many lives

fragments of my heart, scraps of my soul, the tattered remains of a once vibrant love

come with me, lead or follow, walk or run, just don't stop moving

my legs are weary from carrying the weight of so much collateral damage

never meant to do harm, my heart once soft, now made of stone, untenable

help me put it back together, help me heal, help pick up the pieces of me

come undone (bondage)

awake and alone...again

moonlight casting a vague shadow

life seems thin in the flat grey glow

my heart slows, wants to stop

I pray that this isn't real

sheets wrapped around my waist

my mind twisted from neglect

face in the pillow, screaming out

breath becomes a shallow panting

feeling as though I've come undone

this part isn't easy...my head can't keep up with my heart

(why is the writing on the wall always in a language I can't read?)

I used to think I mattered

but what I think and feel

what I know, all I can imagine

is so far removed from reality

it feels as though I'm self-destructing

moving too fast through a world that doesn't know

I exist...pay attention! look at me!...please

there can be so much hatred in honesty

so much fear in knowing who you are

God, this is hard

tread lightly

sometimes you have to own your words...

sacred

here in the dark

lying next to you

our bodies so close

your presence overwhelms

searching the darkness

seeking a safe harbor

you see me as I am

frightened and strong at once

here in the dark

trust is difficult to find, harder to give

lay your head on my chest

feel my beating heart

I used to fear the dark

full of all that would do us harm

scared of what I could not see

now I embrace the mystery

we whisper in the dark

in this place so full of secret pain

ancient demons that roam our minds

searching for the cracks in our faith

help me hold the darkness at bay

let's escape into the moonwashed night

holding each other in a dreamy embrace

here in the dark we are sacred

alone

lost in/to you

exposed by my heart

weaker than I should be

too vulnerable to survive?

my openness used against me

my ability to love suffers

must bad always follow good?

pain always follow pleasure?

why is it so hard to grasp

we are so close...so damn close

it should be peaceful, easy

uncomplicated and passionate

(can you feel it?)

it starts with such promise

ends in such sorrow

love shouldn't tear us apart

the self fulfilling prophecy

let's lift each other up

my soul could use the joy

take my hand and walk with me

feel my heart and love with me

realization

no hearts were harmed that didn't have it coming :)

misunderstood

my words taken to heart

all I ever wanted was hope

never intending to frighten you

feeling you close was so wonderful

message taken out of context

trying so hard to not be the fool

seeming to fail at every turn

why can't I ever win?

having touched/been touched by beauty

so hard to give it up without a fight

all I ever wanted was the possibility

too much to ask so soon, I know

my intentions were so much lighter

overwhelmed by my actions

all the pressure so unintentional

don't stay gone forever...

why am I so misunderstood?

haunted

in my dream you are hovering over me...

our faces so painfully close

I can taste your ruby redness

lips so soft the angels cry

ethereal in form, real in thought

so close to beauty's potential

in my weakened state

my cloudy lucidity

advantage is yours

you give what you take

in a symbiotic waltz

as you pull away...slowly

your face begins to fade

faint and almost forgotten

I wake and think of your ghost

and I smile

words

my words mean nothing. you aren't listening...

speechless

are you one of them? (I don't think so)

creating your pain, refusing aid

hiding behind the past, denying the future

the shadow following you trips you up

chained to you like bad memories

buried deep inside, down in the dark

I feel your pain, you aren't alone

I know the weight of your burden

don't let it take your life

I wish I knew what to say

what to do to keep you from giving up

there's so much good (love) right in front of you

don't let it eat us alive

it has only the power you give it

you know you want this...be brave

life is tough and no one gets a pass

with (out)

I try really hard. I don't mail it in or do anything half ass. If something is worth doing, it's worth doing right. Come strong or go home.

Something beautiful and rare falls from heaven, drops right in my fucking lap while I was looking the other way. But it hits and rolls...what do you do? You get up off your ass and you give chase man! It zigs, you zig. It zags...you get the picture. Don't let it out of your sight. The run may kill you, but nothing else matters, does it?

I'm learning that you can't change a thing through will alone. It doesn't matter how badly I want it. What seems to matter is what you're willing to sacrifice for what you want...will it be your pride? What about your self-esteem? What about the fact that you try so hard and never seem to get the brass ring. What about that? You give yourself, you give of yourself, you sweat the details...nothing.

I will never give up, never retreat. I believe too strongly that love is the answer. There is nothing else worth living or dying for. I would step in front of a bullet for family and friends, and I would give it all for love. You may think that's out of balance but it works for me. What else holds you in such gentle arms? What else can touch you so deeply? Why else do we die a little every day?

so much to say...

sometimes you have so much to say and the words won't come...

a thought

...people will tell you that what they most want from a relationship is a partner that is open, honest, present and loving...not true. what people want is a partner that is as open, honest, present and loving as they can handle...no more...

got this

top down

sun shining

on our way

could it get any better than this?

This could be the beginning of something amazing. If it is, I'm going in with my eyes and heart wide open. You feel me? At times my head spins so fast it makes me dizzy. A wonderful feeling, like when you were young and you got a big kid to spin you around real fast on the merry-go-round. I've come to realize how rare and beautiful this is. I will let this happen. I will help this happen. My hands touching something so awe inspiring swells my heart. Why deny it? My skin tingles at the thought of the slightest touch of your hand. My mind wanders all day, conspiring in the most splendid of daydreams...

top down

sun shining

on our way

it doesn't get any better than this...

I got this. Yeah, I got this...

nature

pressurized, carbonated

filled to the brim

needing to overflow

ready to explode

got this crazy idea

that this can be easy

completely effortless

essence of my life

seeing (myself) for the first time

welcoming and beautiful

accepting of who/what I am

embracing my nature

skeletons

what happened to us?
at what point did we become so jaded?
I crave the physicality of now
be it pleasure or pain
at least it's real

keeping each other at arms length

the tension palpable, pushing us apart

why must we be so frightened? of what?

we want what we fear

craving the craziness

have we become shell shocked?

afraid to feel, betrayed by betrayal

the spirit of the pain haunting us

unable to see the love everywhere

blinded by the madness

cardio

pizza from a paper plate

wine from a plastic cup

life lived

simply

the touch of sweaty skin

a kiss from smiling lips

life lived

beautifully

neck caressed by hot breath

the beat of two racing hearts

life lived

passionately

demolition

start with plain old earth, dirt

composed of the decomposing

add to it, in no particular order or proportion

blood

sweat

tears

the glue that holds it all together

now, mix it thoroughly

pack it tightly into the closed off form that has become your heart

you now have the first of many bricks with which to build your personal fortress

these bricks hold value, they don't come cheap, you earn them

stack them carefully, this bunker must be impenetrable

it needn't be large, you're all alone, you always will be

simply decorated with your most personal furnishings

time to settle in for a lengthy stay, there is no door...

as these walls go up, however slowly or quickly

no thought is given to windows or doors...or escape

hope you like it in there, are you comfy?

you don't get visitors, none are allowed

welcome to no mans land

you created it, enjoy

personally, I'm tired off my self-imposed exile

I want to see the sun, feel it's warmth

I've become so pale and fragile behind these walls

I need to move, to stretch these atrophied tendons, test their strength

I want to be touched again, hand to hand, heart to heart

won't you help me take down the barbed wire?

if I start on the inside and you start on the outside, it'll work

chiseling away at my lifes work, deconstructing the fortress,I'm so tired

I will need you to help me stand, feels like I haven't in so long

help me to see, I will be squinting against the light so bright

help me to feel, my hands are so calloused from my labor of fear...

my biggest fear is that these walls are reinforced...

better bring a jack hammer

beautiful frustration

and then...really?

how could two bodies, in all the vastness of dark space

ever manage to come so close to breathless perfection?

perfection in balance

ever evolving, their gyrations appear chaotic

oscillation becomes less apparent, self-centering chemistry

but I digress...

this is like staring at the sun

you dare not gaze directly, surely to be overwhelmed

the trick is to get a sense of this celestial body...and look away

my mind wanders...

I have become trapped in this beauty's orbit

compelled by a tidal force, quivering uncontrollably...wonderfully...

like a perfectly tuned fork or a finger lightly skimming a thin crystal flute

imagination running wild...

completely absorbed by the gravitational pull, I give in...

now we touch...we touch...shyly, as children

speed and friction build, blinding light, a stars birthright

soon we are locked in an inescapable closeness

lit from within, producing almost (almost) unbearable heat

perpetual energy, the perfect machine...

throw it all away *

debilitated by the ghosts that haunt us

crippled by the judgement of others

guilt weighing us down, sapping our strength

the things we have held dear seem ethereal now

a trick of light, smoke, and mirrors... non-existent

it's unfair that we've wasted so much time...

trying to live on the validation of others

we've lost ourselves and what's (really) important

refusing to expose a vulnerable heart

we lie to ourselves to justify the pain

sold a story riddled with ulterior motives and deceit

ashamed that we didn't see it coming

help me destroy the fear, the shame and self-doubt

help me to carry the things I can't bear alone, I need you

don't we finally deserve to live? haven't we earned a parole?

a heart unafraid, that gladly offers shelter from the storm

the feeling of a true friend, the warm embrace of acceptance

the look you see in the eyes of innocent, honest love

so powerful...so beautiful

I want to...

feel weak from desire, not punishment

taste passion that knows no boundaries

feel beauty that stops/starts my heart

know honesty without fear, without judgement

don't be afraid, you know you want it

I had a dream that we were lovers...

* Title inspired by Toad the Wet Sprocket

hard to hold

we've always believed there was time

time to find the one who understands

understands our fragility, feels our pain

pain that has dulled our senses (so numb)

senses that were formerly sharp, intensity ruled

ruled our heart, stealing our breath

breath that we once offered without hesitation

hesitation has become tyranny, ever devouring

devouring our hope, robbing us blind

blind fear now the order of the day (day after day)

now time slips away

leaving us gasping

raping our spirit

pillaging our need

leaving a void

forsaken, forgotten, forlorn

I care, but you were always so hard to hold

stop running, slow your pace, feel me while you still can

catch your breath...slow and deep

take my hand, my motives are pure

to do harm would kill me

left alone without you

...again

fuck that

true to life

I ask a lot
I know
I want a lot
...who doesn't?
I need a lot
I always will

(ask me, I'll tell you

don't be afraid, I want you

come with me, I need you)

what I ask

can't be answered
what I want

can't be given
what I need

can't be satisfied

I don't want some

I want it all

I won't settle for later

I want now

I need this, please

I can't hold back

I give/take
I live to fill/feel the need
what greater good
than to return the favor?

I always will

madness

in a virtual world

life and love exist in stasis

time stands still

you and I are a mystery

far away and funny, you make me laugh

I am new and you play along

hoping to find a heart that you can feel

your guard comes down...slowly, you are exposed

your smile and a flash of ivory skin disarms me

I realize I am in the presence of brilliance

loud, full of color, lit from the inside, beautiful genius

your hand brushes mine...you touch me

I'm scared, not sure of myself or my place

I can't pull away, feeling the draw of your moonlit face

I feel the betrayal of my heart (God Damn it!)

wonderful madness takes me

explanation of sorts

...bear with me.

twisted

attracting
repelling
reacting

for every reaction,
a completely misunderstood action
the worst assumed
the prophecy fulfilled

the space between
us and them
filled with suspicion
warping sight and sound

words leave our mouths

(something happens)

our meaning lost

where did it go?
energy, however wasted
can't be destroyed
the bell, once rung...

we twist our words
like Uri Geller bends spoons
Lord forgive us
we know not what we say

we expect respect
ready to be offended
unable to give quarter
no rest for the fragile

polarized by judgement
paralyzed by mistrust
bipolar opposites attract
drawn by the scent of fear...

the plan

here's the plan:
there is no plan.

life is anarchy with a bank account
encouraged to dream about "the good life"
how about changing the dream?
think about that

yeah, I know

so many dream of fame and (mis)fortune
few ever achieve
careful what you wish for
there are so many who toil thanklessly
we call them the less fortunate
less fortunate than who?

than this guy...

he has a boat at his place on the lake
he parties like a rock star every weekend
and has all the shallow (hollow) friends you could stand
his wife drives a BMW
enough said

really?
that's a win?
that's the reason I get out of bed every morning?

at the end of the line are the great unwashed (we fill the freeway)
we smile at people
we hold the elevator
we pray for others
we toil away our lives with no reward in sight
at a job only your boss could love
we live on the fringe of society
(in)visible

we are the people with the real dreams
but we're all on Ambien because we can't sleep
the dreams are damaged and seldom come
all I want is a great cup of coffee and a good friend
an existence that means more than having the latest gadget
I want my tan to be of the sun and my dog to bark loudly
there is nothing that can be bought
to fill the hole in our heart

I once heard Woody say,
"We need to stop loving things and using people"
we need to exchange the nouns

you think?

I love you all