(un)blinded

I need to get inside
so hard to do
seemingly powerless
blocked by entities I can't see
vision is only given
to those with eyes shut tight

passing through my darkness
I see sporadic movement
in the corner of my eye
laughing ghosts of pain
flying through my open door
into the waiting night

picking at the wounds
to heal would leave a scar
torn apart and put together
you are the bandage
my heart has longed for
falling into your arms

mission statement (love)

I have given and I have taken, been both good and bad, but I've always tried to be present. All I've ever asked is the same in return. Relationship is about the one-on-one, not building a collection of people that will somehow validate me. Not that we all can't use some validation from time to time, I just believe validation comes from within. I believe in love, I believe that another person can help fill the void in our lives and in our souls.

To sanctify another and be held in the same esteem is a life-affirming act. Different people have different belief systems. Some, like me, love love...that doesn't, on it's face, make the feeling any less genuine, so long as you are willing to take emotional responsibility for your love. Some people only feel love when they have the adoration and validation of many. I want the undying, uncompromising, unconditional love of the one. I'm certainly not walking through this life faultless or blameless, I am not and never will be perfect, but I know me and I know what I want and what I have to offer.

Love is not a bargaining chip...love is a privilege, earned by giving first...held by giving constantly and unconditionally. It is only a win-win or a lose-lose proposition...the upper hand is always an empty hand.

Just sayin'...

gypsy soul

dreaming of the touch
shivering and afraid
darkness so familiar
searching for home

your lullaby unrehearsed
a sublime siren song
gates of heaven open
the longest night ends

you saved my gypsy soul
stole it without a fight
take me, love me, hold me
keep me from the pouring rain

...and nothing shall come between us

morning rapture

hands gliding over
sleepy, warm flesh
turning away to push
the ever-present desire
deeper and deeper into...

eyes unfocused
delicious dew forms
breath coming faster
as kisses whisper softly
over neck and shoulders

hips rising urgently
quivering uncontrollably
begging to be taken
wrapped in strong arms
slick with want and need

hyper-sensitive
seduction complete
incapable of thought
reason lost to hunger
touch becomes euphoric

force of nature
as bodies collide
irresistible gravity
wonderfully overwhelmed
consumed...rocked...perfect rapture

knowing

it feels as though
a hundred lives
have passed me by
a cold, hard lesson...
often, what you fear
is what you find

survival often means sacrifice...

falling (torn) apart
living on the crumbs
face hidden behind
a jade(d) mask of hope
faith that died...slowly
brought here to burn

but I want to sleep inside you...

lips touching yours
skin hot to the touch
hips grinding madly
our bodies entwined
tied in a forever knot
wanting only to explode

this dream of life and death
fading...as two become one

passion found (a rant)

I have wanted (waited)
for far too long
I have had to plead
for far too much
what I would give
won't be marginalized
as imperfect or ineffectual
the love I have offered
is neither tainted nor damaged
no...what's broken in me
if you can call it "broken"
is my pain threshold (it doesn't exist)
common sense says "stay down"
but I will stand up every time
I will fly in the face of a reality
that would see me alone...
I've made mistakes, to be sure
and I've lived a life of atonement...
so stand in judgment...you win (lose)
it's not a battle I choose to fight
what you seem to know of me
is limited to what you choose to see
I am not bent or broken
I am me...an unknown quantity
a body of love, need, and passion
held together by dreams and hope
so tired of being told that simply...isn't...enough

skin and bones

I am a man
broken but healing
fashioned after
fault, pain, and beauty

eyes that see
mind that sees more
fingers that feel
heart that feels deeper

exposed and unafraid
barren yet always growing
I walk to the splintered edge
leaping to certain life

I am but a man
skin and bones (and wonder)
lost and forever searching
fragile, yet unbreakable

I am but a man...

(not) unworthy

wrapped
in each other's arms
smothered
in each other's doubt
we are imperfect

lost
in each other's eyes
wondering
what the other is thinking
we are in pain

struggling
in each other's hearts
frightened
by who we are
we are alone

the fear of exposing ourselves
steals the joy of what may be
the denial of emotional responsibility
slowly destroys all we desire
it's a lesson we never learn

there you are

good
enough...
isn't

perfection
takes many forms
wishing
endlessly
to feel the touch
to taste the lips
to know the happy ending

hands tied tight
heart on my sleeve
like a man in a box
isolated by self-doubt
my curse and creation
searching for redemption
in your heart

I move...
my body and mind
trying desperately to outrun
this cloud of damnation I've created

I need you to be...
my hope, dreams, light and love
to feel me is to risk it all
take me to the brink
feel me pull away in fear
a self-fulfilling prophecy
doomed from the start

this needs to stop

take me, hold me
never let me up
when I scream
I've had enough
hold me down
love me madly
make (this) life end

help me feel again

breathless

simple
profound
unknown
a slow burn
hot to the touch

alive
awake
no pain(ful)
wanting...
to be captured
taken by a lover
not a mirror...but a reflection


to feel the agony of perfection
knowing this love must exist
you know...the one they write about
it's what keeps me awake at night...

wanted inside and out
with no limit accepted
taken beyond the brink
I was born to break this
these words escape me
bleed out of this broken man
if I had my way I wouldn't be...

bleeding, breathless and dreaming

missing

I wake every morning...

the waters part
I'm left gasping
without you there
like a mountaintop
beautiful...and airless

why can't I breathe?

I've waited for you
forever...
nameless and broken
trying to be strong
tripping on my words
tearing at the seams
selling my soul
one piece at a time
lost in all the reasons
starving for deep love
wanting to dive in...and drown

this space is so empty

never knowing
always hoping
like a memory
yet to happen
a life not yet lived...
somewhere I belong


filled with the wonder of what may be

thin as the air I'm breathing

you aren't there

sun(burn)

I dream of the smooth contours of your skin
my mind creating choreography for my fingers
caressing the low points, touching and lingering
doing little pirouettes on the peaks that quiver
hands playfully gliding across your glistening skin

cool water can't sooth your sweltering skin
muscles contract and relax under my deft touch
eyes shut tight, back arching, fists clenched
sun, heat conspire, pushing you toward me
closer to the edge, nearer to flash point

your hands find my burning flesh...I melt
taking hold and removing all doubt of intent
our skin slick, anointed by sweat and desire
sensual waves dance on my mind's horizon
my resistance fails completely, I'm taken

just another heat stroke...

beach sand

my love
like a note
in a bottle

floating in the ocean

my heart
like a ship
lost at sea

my soul
like a ghost
on the foredeck

riding the rising tide

my hope
like a port
in the storm

you...so beautiful
are the sand on the beach
where my ship comes to rest

mythical (dream with me)

mythical
not of this world
a fawn eyed girl
lying in the lush grass
surrounded by fairies

magical
unknown quantity
the analog kid
in a digital world
wishing it would go away

there are moments
that define our lives
so wondrous and beautiful
as to defy definition
they remain nameless

stay here with me
in this (our) paradise
fairytales can come true
sleeping peacefully
come, dream with me

isn't it time?

time races...

left holding empty hope
love and life lost to indecision
watching it pass, losing our place
we get what we accept
nothing more or less

shackled to a life
that was never intended
a soon-to-be train wreck
casey jones bailed long ago
this tragedy is yours alone
no sympathy for the devil

who told you this would be easy?
(they lied to you)

life is short
pain is endless
hurt, healing
pain, joy
fear, hope
heartbreak, love

go ahead...sigh
deny these things
quick, give up now
take the coward's way
trapped in a safety net
no risk, no reward

embrace your pain
savor lifes's bitter taste
turn it around
learn from it
look in the mirror
face yourself...know yourself

sunrise

sun breaks
on the horizon
I sense you beside me
feeling you before seeing you

light pours
fluid, in the window
our spirits rising in the heat
shadows cast out with the fear

the space
between dark and light
filled with ghosts that haunt us
dreams and nightmares coexist

your body
becomes the buffer
peace within the chaos
your touch relieves my pain

soft skin
unbroken canvas
light, smooth and inviting
painted with wondrous beauty

sun sets
moon pushes me
so very deep inside you
your kiss lives in the dark of night

too soon

too hot to think straight
standing over the grave
seems like only yesterday
we were kids, younger, happier

you will be missed
you already are, little brother

too soon to be believed
just spoke to you last night
you left without a goodbye
now just ashes in the grass

you will be missed
you already are, my friend

too late to help you see
it didn't have to be this way
left with nothing but memories
your beauty never discovered

you will be missed
more than you can know

too hot to think straight
standing over the grave
seems like just yesterday
we were kids...

sweat

skin
on skin
the scent
of excitement

fingers
skimming
your slick
soulful shell
my eyes catch
lazy heat trails
wafting skyward
seeking escape

moaning softly
your lips open
ever so slightly
your tongue tasting
the salty dew
left by my kiss
as you rise
against my touch

we slip through
each other's hands
heat and friction
devilishly delicious
glistening bodies
sweltering heat
the setting sun
through an open window...

cut to....

ceiling
an old fan
spinning lazily
desperately
overwhelmed
losing the battle
to dissipate
our love

still living

speaking your mind, waking the child
oats you never knew existed, rising up
trapped between who you are and who
you always thought you (would) could be
the difference between now and then
is fear...plain and painfully simple
this was never part of your plan
not the way this was meant to be
what happened to your dreams? your life...?

well, I'm here to tell you I got your back
I'm behind you and pushing, prodding...
propping you up (if) when necessary
you help carry me and I won't let you down
immeasurable strength when joined at the heart
we have what it takes if we're willing to give it all
the reality is that this is only as difficult as we make it
let's walk out together, from the shadows of our doubt
the worst is over and we still have so far to go

it's not dying that's hard...it's living

sometimes

sometimes

the words come

from way down deep

a place the shadows rule

where the sky is absent

always quiet in this place

words refusing to come

to break the  silence

roaring in my head

doubt enters like a thief

taking all that matters

dark magic, sleight of hand

ego withdraws, replaced

quiet footfalls haunt me

unseen and  unforgiving

daring me to breathe

I feel the crushing

weight of life

you come to me

as a gift, strong…true

hand and heart offered

selflessly, without doubt

lifting me from this place

knowing me as no other

lips parted in a kiss

taste of kindness

the pain dissipates…

here

here

alone

hopeless

perfect me

somewhere ahead
looming on the horizon

so peaceful

when the wind blows

I hear a whispered voice

its silent expectations unspoken

damning and impossible to achieve

my hope

always evolving

shedding my old skin 

leaving the broken past behind

no longer who (what) I once was

help me...

tear this wall down

destroy all I have been

unworthy and undeserving

tainted by my immovable heart

fighting a battle I can't possibly win

I saw myself

in a life I dreamed...

I don't want to imagine

all the things that I can't have

I want to feel the bottomless love

here

alone

hopeful

imperfect me

here and now

living on the edge of forever

the night

folded into the night
soft, silky arms envelope me
wrapping me in dark warmth
black velvet on my skin

you live in my deepest fantasy
where I'm lost for words in your arms
your silhouette sublimely etched
in the corner of my imagination

I can conjure up your sweet kiss
the gossamer touch of your hand
need in your eyes, want on your lips
in the night I can read your mind

how can we make time stop
to capture this perfect instant
life in stasis here in the dark
this moment goes on forever

I see you with my eyes shut tight
feel you, know you, touch you
in dreams all things are possible
eternity has wonderful plans for us

not damaged

I don't understand
things you say (wait...what?)

you can’t understand
the way I feel (do you?)

(I just want to be myself)

walking paths so different

makes us unable to trust

vulnerability is dangerous

when offered to a weak heart

we’re living in our aftermath
among the collateral damage

day follows night follows day

we’re left to wonder the point
hoping we have what it takes

who said life was fair?
let's get over it and dig in
my hunger for you is insatiable

all I want is to hear your voice

what I need is to touch your face
to convince myself you are real
grab me, kiss me, take me

I think I'm starting to get this...

subtext

not quite sure
what you want with me
where (if) I fit in...
or do I?

so close
yet so far removed
this must be a...
mistake or misunderstanding
something lost
in translation

I'm not what you
expected
not what you
thought (hoped)
was in the box
what will you do
with me now?

care, love
attention
I need, I need, I need...get it?
see the pattern?

I'm not selfish
at least I
don't think so
do you?

I give, gladly (in quantity)
more than I get
I don't ask for equal measure
only effort

don't make me ask
for what you (should)
want me to have
I won't beg ever again

yours for the asking
please stop turning me out
arms and heart open wide
take advantage, (please)

white knuckles

your hand in mine
so tight it hurts
surprised by my heart
I want this to happen

breathing so deep
praying we don't fall apart
wonderful, impossible
and so hard to hold

I try with all my might
to wipe away your fears
our lives rearranged
holding on tight to hope

looking into your eyes
never revealing their depth
it's hard to imagine sometimes
so captivated by us

hoping to survive
hanging on your words
so desperately close
cheating destiny to be in you

voices in my head screaming out
as life quietly passes me by
my heart is so empty without you
I need a kiss to seal the deal

apparition

I'm beaten, worn thin
a fragile emotional hostage
weakened by insatiable hunger
vulnerable and exposed to the storm

I scream out, raging against the machine
the windmills I charge exist only in my mind
my shield is riddled with self doubt, my love unworthy
armor pitted and rusty, useless against the onslaught

I wake from my nightmare...

feeling your hot breath on my neck
your sweet voice gently kissing my ear
whispering my name...and the pain fades
the battle raging in my restless heart will be fought another day

at the end

floating
breathless
mind racing heart
down into the abyss
fluid and mischievous
in it's deepening obsession

dreaming
unconsciously aware
senses so overwhelmed
sinking and rising, repeatedly
building to an unbearable (beautiful)
yet irresistible crescendo of desire

screaming
it never stops taking me
I give in willingly, denial is folly
can't stop the slide down cupid's bow
so hot to the touch, burning me just right
stopping makes no sense, I wouldn't if I could

release...
oh no, don't ever let me go
this is the part I live for, the part I like best

(my)self

sense of self
strong, suffering
never quite enough
doubt built right in
unsure of who I am
or who you see
when you look at me

do you want me
as I am? hard to take...
or wish I was someone else?
not to worry, I often do too
sometimes acceptance
feels like tolerance
what have I done wrong?

temporary insanity
has come to stay
love as big as the sky
the id is crushing the ego
never afraid to let go
living in the moment...but
pleasure comes at a cost

instincts tell me
all is well inside
it's good to smile
to bend to the will
of an unyielding libido
no doom, no judgment
just light, love, and you

can you feel it?

unsaid

what you are is beautiful

the heart you hide

behind that smile

holds your secrets close

wounded as we fear

sharing a common scar

allowing another to bandage

something no one has ever seen

the past sapping our strength

robbing us of imperfect dignity

wrong is only skin deep

healing is the hardest thing

alone with you

another day passes

without you in my arms

distance and emotion

co-exist out of balance

there is so much to lose

tucked into this fleeting moment

I don't take what I don't need

so give me back my peace of mind

before you there was a void

completely full of nothing

my church has no choir

nowhere to kneel

my fruit is rusty

rotten on the vine

you feel me but you don't get me

survival and love, a conflict of interest

familiarity breeds contempt

love means always, forever

having someone to blame

human in nature, neglected

this temple can burn with passion

or crumble from neglect

honesty from guilt

like gold from lead

it takes more than heat

to burn this down...

tired of being the example

giving it all away

nothing left

alone

at long last

(un)discovered

distant thunder

lost...in you

feel my shimmering heat

watching the mirage dance

in the distance (clouds build)

all I want

buried deep inside

my soul intentionally blinded

by my heart (lightning always strikes twice)

so far away

from here and now

I hear the muffled rumble

echoing in the distance (the sky is torn)

light of love

breaking the horizon

the sky splits open before us

we feel so cold and naked (in the falling rain)

the clouds break...

the distance

between us and then

grows greater everyday

walking away from what's behind

this is the moment

when it all falls into place

hold my hand as we gravitate spacewards

all we've held back, all we want, spills from us

this is going to be so good...

truth is, I don't know where to go from "here"

never have I felt as right as I do in your embrace

you have taken me into your heart and I sleep better there...

all at once

I feel deeply

so strongly

I can't shut it off

don't want to

it's maddening

and wonderful

all at once

cheating gravity

waiting on the crash

(always) harder than the last

what a delicate mess

I feel you

I know you

I want you

I love you

catch me when I fall

unbound

wake me up
your whisper
echoing in my ear

I won't say a thing
take my love
make it yours

falling so hard for you

swept away in your sea

knocked completely off my feet

in the depth of a breath

I sense your hunger so ripe

a love so incredibly, indelibly urgent

(I hunger too...)

taste my trembling lips

untie and feel my fragile heart

help release me (us) from this exile

closer

close to the edge

and so far removed

I need something good to die for

a desperate need to feel you

warm and willing, touching me

filling me with excitement and wonder

anticipation colliding with intent

the heat of your body arousing me

all my senses alive, awake and tingling

you sense the urgency in my touch

agonizing hot flesh warming my eager lips

your entire body heaving as my tongue finds you

my hand in the small of your back

lifting and joining you in a gyrating dance

penetrating you over and over as we near climax

like wild animals we rise and fall

pressure pushing us towards madness

moaning and screaming we are shaken by release

you take me so much closer...

the stars

I dream of your eyes

running towards you

my heart outstretched

our minds touch first

amidst the swirling confusion

what if...

fate...aspects, alignment, position

intentionally blind, our faith intact

walking on the edge of the future

our hearts and minds on the cusp

I feel the way you look at me

the way you've always known me

I want to hold you so close

I will steal your pain away

feel it now, without trepidation

this is so real, you know it is

take it in your loving arms

it's all just a wish away

time (out)

so finite

so fleeting

listen

hear it

the slow,

steady

tick

tock

the timer

set long ago

forgotten now

there won't be enough time

imagine the next breath you take

is to be your last...changes things, doesn't it?

you can't buy any more than you have. ever.

justifying your future to validate your past

tilting at windmills, wasting your moments

rules to a game you never asked to play

so stop playing

walk away...now

take your life and go

you can...it's your life

live for today

yesterday's gone

no promise of tomorrow

know yourself

always make it count

this is not a test

don't leave your life

unlived...

it doesn't fail you

you fail it

illusion

I'm starting to think love is an illusion, just an apparition to occupy your mind while your life slips away. I've given and given and ask only to get as good as I give. The world is too caught up in it's selfish pursuits to see the big picture. We facebook and we tweet, but we refuse to be part of a real, challenging, requires-some-assembly relationship. Love lost is our loss...

wonderment (unfinished)

almost touching

you and I

soft and sexy

tactile sensation

burns so hot

feeling vertigo

spinning and dizzy

brought on by....

lost in this wonderment

my awe has been struck

knowing and doing

two entirely different aspects

my heart gets away from me

...secretly...I let it go

I won't slow my roll

no interest in stopping

if you won't keep up

you'll get left behind

pay attention

look alive

know the difference

between wants and needs

sometimes you need a want

don't watch as it slips away

my brother

anthony scott

november 15, 1971 - january 11, 2012

born in biloxi mississippi

the youngest of three boys

a beautiful soul who never understood the world

...nor the world him

I remember this August afternoon, last time we were together...

I'll miss you bro. It was a lovely train wreck.

at least you're free...

scott and daughter kayla fall 2011...............me...................my brother

no limits, no fear

sometimes

when it's quiet

I think I can hear

ghosts of my life creeping up on me

quiet footfalls of the choices I live in

I've never been happier

or more scared the sky is falling

choices, the idea of what can be

there's safety in the way you look at me

terror in the starkness of that beauty

excited and unsteady

drunk on the possibilities

your smile, my hope for tomorrow

feel my heart, pounding out a rhythm

pieces of me, coming together, almost whole

something so simple

my voice shakes

when I speak of home...

yeah...

new skin

...the start of a new year

the opportunity to begin anew

take it, embrace it, live it...