lost and found

lost...
misplaced long ago
set aside and forgotten
only not quite...

one day I need it
and it isn't there
not keys or a wallet
nothing so insignificant

I dig and tear through everything
trying to remember when last I saw it
I seem to recall...nah, not there
wait a minute...damn it
not there either...
now where did I leave it?

I start looking in places I've already looked
the most logical places, where it should be
searching and re-searching...
with no luck

then one day
when I least expect it
there it is!
like the name of an actor in some movie
or a long since forgotten song title
and I smile at serendipity (you have to smile)

there it is...
and right where I left it
exactly where it should be
tucked safely away in my soul...
it's the heart I walked away from
gave up on, left for dead
(like a Timex, it never stopped beating)
damn, why didn't I look there earlier
soul-searching is dirty, hard work

as much as I hate to use a cliche
it's always in the last place I look...sigh

brand new

I awaken to a snow filled sky
earth covered by a blanket of down
natures light fluorescent
seeming to fall in the flakes around me

my heart is elsewhere, distant
feeling the touch of a God sent friend
wrapped in a quilt of unimaginable warmth
not of simple feathers but of deepest love

the cold tries in vain to find a crack
to sink its icy fingers into my flesh
it will never find a toehold
never, barred by immeasurable passion

my love is far away yet so close
touching me, feeling me, warming me
holding the cold at bay so completely
making the frozen, empty day Gods gift to me

you know my heart, both sides
you have chosen to know me
despite my wrongs, you see my (Gods) will
damaged and scarred, healed by your (Gods) hand

you have warmed my very life
freed my soul to see our beauty
helped to seat God in my heart
forgiven me without judgement

my love will know no end
complete yet never finished
growing stronger with every breath
you have made me new, whole, warm

thank you, my love (undying)

rusty (fear revisited)

heart of rusty pitted steel
unyielding yet weakened
exposed to wind and weather
the acidic atmosphere

so full of love, seeking hope
always wondering why (not)
weakened by my own words
pieces of my framework missing

touch my heart (go on, touch it)
scratch the surface
under the rust it gleams
shiny and full of love

it beats strong
in spite of the weather
against the wind and rain
it skips (a beat) but never fails

don't be afraid, fear destroys everything

message in a bottle

I swim in a sea of (in)humanity,
at times a gentle
whispering body
I lie still
facing skyward
a self-sacrifice to the sun god
floating, a feather in an updraft
I bob gently like my grandfather's fishing lure
on a hot, windless august afternoon

but the sea can be capricious, self-serving
driven by whim and fancy
a wind driven maelstrom
full of insatiable rage
hellbent on destruction
I'm scared and (e)motion sick
no fucking life jackets to be found
waves crash on the deck, but I have work to do...
rearranging deck chairs on the andrea gail

string theory

in the darkest hours
clarity comes
slowly at first
night masks my eyes
my soul lifts
transparent
out of body, out of mind
painless and ethereal

my world becomes
the thought process
a simple animal
with such a complex task
balance is hard to achieve
faith so hard to grasp
distant (and hidden)
are my dreams

you have become
the earth beneath my feet
the deep blue above me
life giving breath (I'm gasping)
tether my soul, my dreams
unnoticed and unattended
left to rust...unloved
It's so lonely here without you

fear

your bitterness is a shadow
of your anger, misdirected
in what world are you the judge?
to start a fight
cause another to defend
what right have you?
do you know better?
is ignorance truly bliss?

if we passed on the street
would you know me?
know of me?
know my kind?
I doubt it
fear me?
(yeah, that's the ticket)
your fear binds you
my lack of fear frees me

your willingness to hurt
to take my words
and wield them as weapons
never as intended
out of context
and without reason
feel my heart
it's on the page

know me before you judge me
I will never need your validation
know my walk in life
before you criticize my route
show me the fairness you tout
I ask no quarter, only balance
this is real...
get over it

tidal

I wake and you're next to me
the world can do me no harm
in your arms there are no more wars
no more battles to be waged
your body has a tidal effect
gravity pulling us closer and closer
until we are one
inseparable

your warm flesh
pressed against mine
your breath hot
on the back of my neck
your hands searching
finding me in the darkness
my hard/soft side exposed
you don't rush to take advantage
there's plenty of time

sweet nothings
breathlessly whispered
it's so quiet I can hear
everything left unsaid
my mind races
my body braces
then finally
release
the chains...

the hounds...
the fear

immolation

our bodies
writhing
sweating
skin flushed
heart pounding
breath coming in gasps
I can taste your soul
when we kiss
it's salty
a taste like sex
when you say
please
I tremble
your scent
like the sweetest
lavender
thick as a london fog
my eyes
full of you and yours
around us
the house burns
the heat so (un)bearable
so necessary
to melt
into you

garden of eden

sometimes it seems
the world I walk through
is tainted
like spoiled milk, rotten
the very earth I walk
dark and wet
dirt from a grave diggers boots
the air I breathe
smacks of hatred and intolerance
this post-modern garden of eden
is polluted...

but every now and then
a beam of dazzling white light
falls on the ground at my feet
pure in nature
soothing my soul

you have done that for me
polished a tarnished faith
brought me back from the edge
to feel that warm beam on my face
words escape me
so does the pain
when I sleep
you enter my mind
effortlessly
and it all falls away
I wake to find a flower
growing in my garden
a plot I never knew existed
it rises from the renewed soil
a promise of tomorrow
hope for today
shine baby... shine

your ______

a note from the hack...I don't know where this little ray of light came from. please bear with me as I get it the hell out of my writing. my bad.


stand on the plain
look out at the horizon
pretend for one minute
that you aren't the center
of the universe

there
can you see it?
way off in the distance
you can just make out
your ______ slipping away

it could be anything, really
come to think of it
it's everything
all you hold dear and protect
it's right in front of you
slipping away
you watch it go
too paralyzed
with fear
to move
your dreams, your aspirations
(remember those?)
you watch them drift away
they won't come back

you must follow them
give chase
never let them out of your sight
they are fickle, hard to seize
even harder to realize

I shouldn't preach
my dreams need GPS
they get so far ahead of me
it seems I'll never keep up
but I know where they are
what they smell like
in the morning after coffee
how they taste after a long day
I don't need rose colored lenses
to see their beauty
it's distant, shimmering
but it's obvious
it shines like a sunrise
blinding me (now I see)
I could tell you what I see
you wouldn't understand
we don't have the same ______

polysyllabic

rant and rave
talk 'til you're blue in the face
scream at the top of your lungs
I can't hear you
your ego and your attitude
always talking over you
your self-righteousness makin' a racket
your absolution arguing your innocence
when you speak I shudder
I used to hear angels, soft and high
the voices have become a cacophony
a pitch found only on dantes pages
I guess I never understood
I thought you were the truth
all that was good in a world gone rotten
I was naive (I loved you)
and more than a little gullible
why not help me make sense
of the words you use
the case you make
why didn't you just
stop and
talk
?

automatic

"this is the life, this is the ground

here comes the warm machine" *

I was told when I was younger

and things made more sense

that if you want to affect the reader

write as though you're speaking to them

for so long this made perfect sense

but over time (God, it seems like eons)

my thoughts became fragmented

easily spoken, seldom understood

fragments

writing became a string of thoughts

line after line,

pieces of mind

sadly, unless you know me

these pieces don't/won't fit

you don't understand!

the pauses get longer and longer

the inflections ever more profound

as you search for the words

to complete a thought...

but never entirely

because just as a voice needs an ear

a thought needs inspiration

the idea that something

could be more than it appears

(more than meets the eye)

that it bears looking into, checking out

what inspires you?

inspiration is an homage to hope

use it or lose it people

hope...faith.......trust................?

so as you read these lines I write

and you try to make sense of the chaos

the graffiti covered walls of my mens room

look, to understand my rant

you need to get close to hear the (whisper)

this is where the juicy stuff is

I'm not speaking in tongues

(am I?)

if you don't know the dialect

the meaning can be lost

in translation

so get down here...real close....closer still

that's it

I can feel your breath on my neck

so sexy

can you hear me now?

good

I wish you would listen

I need you to feel (me)

let's break it down...

(watch your step)

these words come at a cost

a price I'll gladly pay

(how much to cross the river, sir?)

nothing else in my life is

automatic

* from the song "Warm Machine", by Bush

remain in light

we wake
the world laid out before us
the sun shines gratis
the day is our oyster
ours for the taking
you don't even have to ask
the decision should be easy
only two, count 'em, two

choices (so easy, damn it)

as a famous bard once said
"therein lies the rub"
why do we choose to destroy
instead of build
we opt to find fault in the blameless
rather than love
we alternate between two worlds
the real one and the one
we live in (or die in)
we would tear flesh from bone
rather than expose ourselves
the world is full of beauty we ignore
we instead choose to suffer in self inflicted pain

needlessly

the sun shines for free
and we live in the dark
today
I will, for once
remain in light

won't you join me?

walls

I never knew I was alone
in a house full of people
I was alone
the facade hides your face
but not your heart
just as the facade of a house
hides the rot beneath it
the house we shared
was full of everything
that didn't matter
it was sorely lacking
the furnishings we needed
faith...trust...unconditional love
like the good china
brought out only for guests
so was your love
placed high
out of reach
neglected
forgotten for lack of use
I need a home with no walls
no walls to hide behind
no walls to block our vision
no carpet under which to sweep
your lies and misdeeds
this place has taken on the odor
of mistrust and jealousy
hatred and disgust
I can't live here anymore
looks like its time for me to move
on

reasons

never.
that's what you said
when?
was the question

all the reasons in your head
now out in the open, spread
now the whole world glares
all your secrets laid bare
no shame in your game, not a care

you held your ground, like a rock you stood
you sold us all on a liars bill of goods
the world isn't perfect
it's beauty lies in it's imperfections
your beauty lies in your deceptions

My eyes have been opened, my soul healing
my heart has let go, my pain is receding
you'll never know what you lost,
and in your mind, damn the cost
you live in your fear, no empathy my dear

as you slipped away to someone new
you know you lied to justify
to pretend you had good reason
we both know the shame in you
and the bullshit in your treason

I will always mean it...

dead dog

it's 3 am in a lonely dark room
the blinds shut tight,
an absence of light
if I had my way,
I wouldn't lie here alone
there would be love
in abundance
trying desperately to
get under my skin
making my heart race
and my head swim
twisting and squirming,
afraid of this feeling
always starts sublimely,
easing into my psyche
it builds so quickly
swept into it's swirling confusion
it dies in a rush,
no good reason given,
a forgotten favorite pet,
dead on the road
we go from beauty
to desperation
to roadkill...
willingly
wildly
repeatedly
the whole while
always alone, always alone
always wondering, never knowing
when it will return
god I miss fido
I wonder if the sun will come up today?

illuminate (me)

I read the words you wrote
they touched me
I haven't felt anything
in so long
I was unsure of me
it was a warm bath
the pain, the unworthiness
washed from my soul,
I was made whole...
again
I wish I had your power
(don't deny it, I felt it)
I wish I had your strength
(lift me up)
I wish I had your ability
(evacuate, elevate)
my pain, my soul
was made to feel you
it felt so good, so right
(so light)
in touch with your feelings
shedding some light
take me from this killing floor
(trust my soul)
I come unarmed and
mean you no harm
no break in the clouds
the rays would blind me
(let me see, I beg)
do me this one small favor
show me your power, strength, light
illuminate me
please

broken

as the shadow of our love grows long
the tune dies slowly at the end of our song
legs become weak as I walk toward the ledge
heart grows cold as ice forms 'round the edge
hope melts away like a late april snow
leaves turn brown as a winter wind blows
pain that I feel like my heart in a vice
my soul shivers as though locked in ice
legs kicking wildly at the end of my rope
sorrow I feel steals the last of my hope
days of my love have brought such sorrow and pain
I'm cold and I'm damp in your wind driven rain
in the window is a candle that burns for my love
in my heart there's an ember that's lit from above
please hear my plea as I lie here and die
let this be forever, one last goodbye

you know what

you were wrong
there, I said it
you
were
wrong
the things you said
the treason you committed
the faultless, blameless life you lead
the stingy, conditional love you gave
you live in a vacuum, and it sucked me in
you languish in a self imposed tragedy
without it, you feel nothing
there's a void in your soul
a black hole in your heart
an emptiness beyond compare
I will probably always love you
but you know what?
you can learn to love anything, even pain
I'm not suitable for life in a vacuum
I need love, life, to feel the human condition
but most of all,
I need to breathe again

when we were kids

I remember the day we met
late august it was
first day of the new school year
I was painfully unaware
you were painfully beautiful
I recall the night we met again
(thirty years later)
early february it was
first day of our new life
I was painfully unaware
you were painfully beautiful

it's funny how some things never change

bitter taste

you asked me once,
is there anything sweeter than sugar?
sure, I said, you
you taste of honey from the hive,
sweet like sugar from a gods cane field.
the love I gave was yours to take
your bully pulpit and your fucking pride
tainted our syrupy love affair.
did you know that vinegar is the third incarnation
of a sugar molecule?
one lump or two?
black for me, thanks

what keeps you warm at night?

I stand wrongly accused.
tried, convicted, and sentenced to live,
by the most kangaroo of courts.
yours.
your minions abide in you.
they abide because they know no other.
no other way, no other story, no other truth but
yours.
you place the blame.
no fault lies at your feet, never did.
I tried, I cried. you lied, you denied.
this is your truth.

so cold, so very cold next to you. I never understood...I do now.
no heat radiates from your heart, no warmth from your soul
it's the misplaced hatred and anger and not much else
that keeps you warm at night

the bridge in the darkness

I lie here staring in the dark
at what, I'm not sure
it looks like your pretty face
sometimes it feels as though the dark dares me
it dares me to feel, to think, to remember
to feel alive, or dead, just feel
you can't feel me...or see me
I know this because no matter how hard I tried or what I did,
you kept fucking telling me that you couldn't feel me,
you pretend, after all, I'm just a means to an end
I know that it's just a dare and would I jump off a
bridge on a dare?
...maybe, do you want me to?
'cause you know I will, whatever you need
here in the dark

love blooms infernal...

love burning, all consuming

give all you can to fuel the flames

takes all you have to fight the fire

because when love catches

it blooms infernal

burn baby burn














Spark_by_josh_caspian_N / deviantart.com