explanation of sorts

...bear with me.

twisted

attracting
repelling
reacting

for every reaction,
a completely misunderstood action
the worst assumed
the prophecy fulfilled

the space between
us and them
filled with suspicion
warping sight and sound

words leave our mouths

(something happens)

our meaning lost

where did it go?
energy, however wasted
can't be destroyed
the bell, once rung...

we twist our words
like Uri Geller bends spoons
Lord forgive us
we know not what we say

we expect respect
ready to be offended
unable to give quarter
no rest for the fragile

polarized by judgement
paralyzed by mistrust
bipolar opposites attract
drawn by the scent of fear...

the plan

here's the plan:
there is no plan.

life is anarchy with a bank account
encouraged to dream about "the good life"
how about changing the dream?
think about that

yeah, I know

so many dream of fame and (mis)fortune
few ever achieve
careful what you wish for
there are so many who toil thanklessly
we call them the less fortunate
less fortunate than who?

than this guy...

he has a boat at his place on the lake
he parties like a rock star every weekend
and has all the shallow (hollow) friends you could stand
his wife drives a BMW
enough said

really?
that's a win?
that's the reason I get out of bed every morning?

at the end of the line are the great unwashed (we fill the freeway)
we smile at people
we hold the elevator
we pray for others
we toil away our lives with no reward in sight
at a job only your boss could love
we live on the fringe of society
(in)visible

we are the people with the real dreams
but we're all on Ambien because we can't sleep
the dreams are damaged and seldom come
all I want is a great cup of coffee and a good friend
an existence that means more than having the latest gadget
I want my tan to be of the sun and my dog to bark loudly
there is nothing that can be bought
to fill the hole in our heart

I once heard Woody say,
"We need to stop loving things and using people"
we need to exchange the nouns

you think?

I love you all

peace

you are here

my breath slows
vitals stabilizing
your presence soothes
calms the beast

so much hidden deep
why spoil the view?
frozen, afraid to move
alas, no where to go

how is it you know?
with the eyes of a child
you see (no, you sense)
your empathy unrehearsed
generosity without measure
sincere, genuine
love pours from you
without condition
without judgement
without limit

completely without guile

you warm me as the sun touches the earth
your spirit renews my sense of hope
it is through you that I see the good
you are the filter, it is your gift
and in your selfless manner
you give it away

you know the secrets
judgement says nothing of the judged
a treasure not shared holds no value
love is to be given with exuberance
the gift is in the giving

fugue state

"I don't mind
most of the time
but you push me so far inside" GR


in the darkest shadows of night
hiding in my emotional bunker
armor worn thin from your latest crusade
I'm beaten and bloodied by your heavy hand
numb from pain, unable to heal

depression calls on me
(we are acquainted, old friends indeed)
she has a lovers knowing touch
she creeps in close, whispering softly
subduing, stifling, crushing hope

cold, loving hands take me slowly, gently
I go willingly, suffering my penance
a baptism of fire I never tire of
because without the pain
I feel nothing

(no) control

I won't do it again...
I won't put up with it anymore
the shame
the pain
the fights to validate your insecurity
the constant petty drama
for no good reason
to control

I won't be second again...ever
I won't walk behind and to the right
I won't be less than equal
I'm done explaining
I'm done justifying
I'm done walking on eggshells
afraid to wake the beast
afraid to breathe

you can't see...
through the mistrust
through the hate
through the haze of pain
your power is under your thumb
through judgment and condemnation
you rule and you punish
all for control

well, here's the scoop...
I'm not broken
you have no need to fear me
you never have
I have value beyond that of a scapegoat
for your self-imposed tragedy
life is so short
and I am out
of control

simple

energy...wasted
love lies bleeding while the argument rages on
love...
well, maybe not love
we call it love
but what is it really?
maybe (in)tolerance is the better word

we spend half our lives trying to find it
and the other half trying to destroy it
invalidate it, suspicious of pleasure
always waiting for the other shoe to drop
we subject ourselves to unspeakable pain
to unbelievable anguish and self-doubt
sleepless nights and cloudy days alone...
for love?

love isn't blind...
oh no (sorry, really)

love sees things that aren't there
a reason to find fault where there is none
love is too often conditional acceptance
of the untenable broken relationship
we are petrified to let go of...
what if...we're alone

real love is as light and delicate as meringue

(so sweet!)

it should know no limits
accept no boundaries
never judge or condemn

so simple
so painless
so necessary
so, so beautiful


I'd rather be alone than wish I were

mirror mirror

you know me...
I'm that guy you've been warned about
you know me
good. bad. otherwise.

God allowed you too close to me
now you see me, you feel me
you'll never change me
(not that you'd want to)

I'm a reflection of you
sure, it's more of a funhouse illusion
representing all you could've (should've) been
don't you just hate mirrors?

I'm a good bad example
a loser with a heart of gold
the rules I play by aren't in a book
no book you've ever read

yet somehow...some way
you see through me, to the real me
why aren't you afraid?
I'm a badman, seriously

your heart knows the depths
(and darkness) of my soul
you fulfill needs I never knew I had
we grow symbiotic in body and mind

don't be afraid
I won't harm you, hahaha
just stow your bag in the overhead compartment
and prepare for take-off

you have nothing to fear (but fear itself)

the ride

I feel
for the first time
in a long time
an unusual sensation
crazy and unfamiliar

do you remember how it feels
as you top out on a roller coaster?
the feeling as your eyes (and mind)
realize what's about to transpire
you can't stop it from happening
you're powerless against the pull of gravity
terror and joyous anticipation become one
....and then...
you're screaming down the other side
gathering speed, hair whipping wildly
your ability to breathe temporarily suspended
stomach rising, heart racing
the end of the world is near...

then it's over
sadly, it always ends

well, you know what sweetheart?
I ain't getting off the ride
I'm tired of standing in line, sun shining
watching others enjoy the day
if I'm only getting the one go around
it won't be wasted
I promise to leave it all on the field of play
just don't let the ride end

lost and found

lost...
misplaced long ago
set aside and forgotten
only not quite...

one day I need it
and it isn't there
not keys or a wallet
nothing so insignificant

I dig and tear through everything
trying to remember when last I saw it
I seem to recall...nah, not there
wait a minute...damn it
not there either...
now where did I leave it?

I start looking in places I've already looked
the most logical places, where it should be
searching and re-searching...
with no luck

then one day
when I least expect it
there it is!
like the name of an actor in some movie
or a long since forgotten song title
and I smile at serendipity (you have to smile)

there it is...
and right where I left it
exactly where it should be
tucked safely away in my soul...
it's the heart I walked away from
gave up on, left for dead
(like a Timex, it never stopped beating)
damn, why didn't I look there earlier
soul-searching is dirty, hard work

as much as I hate to use a cliche
it's always in the last place I look...sigh

brand new

I awaken to a snow filled sky
earth covered by a blanket of down
natures light fluorescent
seeming to fall in the flakes around me

my heart is elsewhere, distant
feeling the touch of a God sent friend
wrapped in a quilt of unimaginable warmth
not of simple feathers but of deepest love

the cold tries in vain to find a crack
to sink its icy fingers into my flesh
it will never find a toehold
never, barred by immeasurable passion

my love is far away yet so close
touching me, feeling me, warming me
holding the cold at bay so completely
making the frozen, empty day Gods gift to me

you know my heart, both sides
you have chosen to know me
despite my wrongs, you see my (Gods) will
damaged and scarred, healed by your (Gods) hand

you have warmed my very life
freed my soul to see our beauty
helped to seat God in my heart
forgiven me without judgement

my love will know no end
complete yet never finished
growing stronger with every breath
you have made me new, whole, warm

thank you, my love (undying)

rusty (fear revisited)

heart of rusty pitted steel
unyielding yet weakened
exposed to wind and weather
the acidic atmosphere

so full of love, seeking hope
always wondering why (not)
weakened by my own words
pieces of my framework missing

touch my heart (go on, touch it)
scratch the surface
under the rust it gleams
shiny and full of love

it beats strong
in spite of the weather
against the wind and rain
it skips (a beat) but never fails

don't be afraid, fear destroys everything

message in a bottle

I swim in a sea of (in)humanity,
at times a gentle
whispering body
I lie still
facing skyward
a self-sacrifice to the sun god
floating, a feather in an updraft
I bob gently like my grandfather's fishing lure
on a hot, windless august afternoon

but the sea can be capricious, self-serving
driven by whim and fancy
a wind driven maelstrom
full of insatiable rage
hellbent on destruction
I'm scared and (e)motion sick
no fucking life jackets to be found
waves crash on the deck, but I have work to do...
rearranging deck chairs on the andrea gail

string theory

in the darkest hours
clarity comes
slowly at first
night masks my eyes
my soul lifts
transparent
out of body, out of mind
painless and ethereal

my world becomes
the thought process
a simple animal
with such a complex task
balance is hard to achieve
faith so hard to grasp
distant (and hidden)
are my dreams

you have become
the earth beneath my feet
the deep blue above me
life giving breath (I'm gasping)
tether my soul, my dreams
unnoticed and unattended
left to rust...unloved
It's so lonely here without you

fear

your bitterness is a shadow
of your anger, misdirected
in what world are you the judge?
to start a fight
cause another to defend
what right have you?
do you know better?
is ignorance truly bliss?

if we passed on the street
would you know me?
know of me?
know my kind?
I doubt it
fear me?
(yeah, that's the ticket)
your fear binds you
my lack of fear frees me

your willingness to hurt
to take my words
and wield them as weapons
never as intended
out of context
and without reason
feel my heart
it's on the page

know me before you judge me
I will never need your validation
know my walk in life
before you criticize my route
show me the fairness you tout
I ask no quarter, only balance
this is real...
get over it