(no) control

I won't do it again...
I won't put up with it anymore
the shame
the pain
the fights to validate your insecurity
the constant petty drama
for no good reason
to control

I won't be second again...ever
I won't walk behind and to the right
I won't be less than equal
I'm done explaining
I'm done justifying
I'm done walking on eggshells
afraid to wake the beast
afraid to breathe

you can't see...
through the mistrust
through the hate
through the haze of pain
your power is under your thumb
through judgment and condemnation
you rule and you punish
all for control

well, here's the scoop...
I'm not broken
you have no need to fear me
you never have
I have value beyond that of a scapegoat
for your self-imposed tragedy
life is so short
and I am out
of control

simple

energy...wasted
love lies bleeding while the argument rages on
love...
well, maybe not love
we call it love
but what is it really?
maybe (in)tolerance is the better word

we spend half our lives trying to find it
and the other half trying to destroy it
invalidate it, suspicious of pleasure
always waiting for the other shoe to drop
we subject ourselves to unspeakable pain
to unbelievable anguish and self-doubt
sleepless nights and cloudy days alone...
for love?

love isn't blind...
oh no (sorry, really)

love sees things that aren't there
a reason to find fault where there is none
love is too often conditional acceptance
of the untenable broken relationship
we are petrified to let go of...
what if...we're alone

real love is as light and delicate as meringue

(so sweet!)

it should know no limits
accept no boundaries
never judge or condemn

so simple
so painless
so necessary
so, so beautiful


I'd rather be alone than wish I were

mirror mirror

you know me...
I'm that guy you've been warned about
you know me
good. bad. otherwise.

God allowed you too close to me
now you see me, you feel me
you'll never change me
(not that you'd want to)

I'm a reflection of you
sure, it's more of a funhouse illusion
representing all you could've (should've) been
don't you just hate mirrors?

I'm a good bad example
a loser with a heart of gold
the rules I play by aren't in a book
no book you've ever read

yet somehow...some way
you see through me, to the real me
why aren't you afraid?
I'm a badman, seriously

your heart knows the depths
(and darkness) of my soul
you fulfill needs I never knew I had
we grow symbiotic in body and mind

don't be afraid
I won't harm you, hahaha
just stow your bag in the overhead compartment
and prepare for take-off

you have nothing to fear (but fear itself)

the ride

I feel
for the first time
in a long time
an unusual sensation
crazy and unfamiliar

do you remember how it feels
as you top out on a roller coaster?
the feeling as your eyes (and mind)
realize what's about to transpire
you can't stop it from happening
you're powerless against the pull of gravity
terror and joyous anticipation become one
....and then...
you're screaming down the other side
gathering speed, hair whipping wildly
your ability to breathe temporarily suspended
stomach rising, heart racing
the end of the world is near...

then it's over
sadly, it always ends

well, you know what sweetheart?
I ain't getting off the ride
I'm tired of standing in line, sun shining
watching others enjoy the day
if I'm only getting the one go around
it won't be wasted
I promise to leave it all on the field of play
just don't let the ride end

lost and found

lost...
misplaced long ago
set aside and forgotten
only not quite...

one day I need it
and it isn't there
not keys or a wallet
nothing so insignificant

I dig and tear through everything
trying to remember when last I saw it
I seem to recall...nah, not there
wait a minute...damn it
not there either...
now where did I leave it?

I start looking in places I've already looked
the most logical places, where it should be
searching and re-searching...
with no luck

then one day
when I least expect it
there it is!
like the name of an actor in some movie
or a long since forgotten song title
and I smile at serendipity (you have to smile)

there it is...
and right where I left it
exactly where it should be
tucked safely away in my soul...
it's the heart I walked away from
gave up on, left for dead
(like a Timex, it never stopped beating)
damn, why didn't I look there earlier
soul-searching is dirty, hard work

as much as I hate to use a cliche
it's always in the last place I look...sigh

brand new

I awaken to a snow filled sky
earth covered by a blanket of down
natures light fluorescent
seeming to fall in the flakes around me

my heart is elsewhere, distant
feeling the touch of a God sent friend
wrapped in a quilt of unimaginable warmth
not of simple feathers but of deepest love

the cold tries in vain to find a crack
to sink its icy fingers into my flesh
it will never find a toehold
never, barred by immeasurable passion

my love is far away yet so close
touching me, feeling me, warming me
holding the cold at bay so completely
making the frozen, empty day Gods gift to me

you know my heart, both sides
you have chosen to know me
despite my wrongs, you see my (Gods) will
damaged and scarred, healed by your (Gods) hand

you have warmed my very life
freed my soul to see our beauty
helped to seat God in my heart
forgiven me without judgement

my love will know no end
complete yet never finished
growing stronger with every breath
you have made me new, whole, warm

thank you, my love (undying)

rusty (fear revisited)

heart of rusty pitted steel
unyielding yet weakened
exposed to wind and weather
the acidic atmosphere

so full of love, seeking hope
always wondering why (not)
weakened by my own words
pieces of my framework missing

touch my heart (go on, touch it)
scratch the surface
under the rust it gleams
shiny and full of love

it beats strong
in spite of the weather
against the wind and rain
it skips (a beat) but never fails

don't be afraid, fear destroys everything

message in a bottle

I swim in a sea of (in)humanity,
at times a gentle
whispering body
I lie still
facing skyward
a self-sacrifice to the sun god
floating, a feather in an updraft
I bob gently like my grandfather's fishing lure
on a hot, windless august afternoon

but the sea can be capricious, self-serving
driven by whim and fancy
a wind driven maelstrom
full of insatiable rage
hellbent on destruction
I'm scared and (e)motion sick
no fucking life jackets to be found
waves crash on the deck, but I have work to do...
rearranging deck chairs on the andrea gail

string theory

in the darkest hours
clarity comes
slowly at first
night masks my eyes
my soul lifts
transparent
out of body, out of mind
painless and ethereal

my world becomes
the thought process
a simple animal
with such a complex task
balance is hard to achieve
faith so hard to grasp
distant (and hidden)
are my dreams

you have become
the earth beneath my feet
the deep blue above me
life giving breath (I'm gasping)
tether my soul, my dreams
unnoticed and unattended
left to rust...unloved
It's so lonely here without you

fear

your bitterness is a shadow
of your anger, misdirected
in what world are you the judge?
to start a fight
cause another to defend
what right have you?
do you know better?
is ignorance truly bliss?

if we passed on the street
would you know me?
know of me?
know my kind?
I doubt it
fear me?
(yeah, that's the ticket)
your fear binds you
my lack of fear frees me

your willingness to hurt
to take my words
and wield them as weapons
never as intended
out of context
and without reason
feel my heart
it's on the page

know me before you judge me
I will never need your validation
know my walk in life
before you criticize my route
show me the fairness you tout
I ask no quarter, only balance
this is real...
get over it

tidal

I wake and you're next to me
the world can do me no harm
in your arms there are no more wars
no more battles to be waged
your body has a tidal effect
gravity pulling us closer and closer
until we are one
inseparable

your warm flesh
pressed against mine
your breath hot
on the back of my neck
your hands searching
finding me in the darkness
my hard/soft side exposed
you don't rush to take advantage
there's plenty of time

sweet nothings
breathlessly whispered
it's so quiet I can hear
everything left unsaid
my mind races
my body braces
then finally
release
the chains...

the hounds...
the fear

immolation

our bodies
writhing
sweating
skin flushed
heart pounding
breath coming in gasps
I can taste your soul
when we kiss
it's salty
a taste like sex
when you say
please
I tremble
your scent
like the sweetest
lavender
thick as a london fog
my eyes
full of you and yours
around us
the house burns
the heat so (un)bearable
so necessary
to melt
into you

garden of eden

sometimes it seems
the world I walk through
is tainted
like spoiled milk, rotten
the very earth I walk
dark and wet
dirt from a grave diggers boots
the air I breathe
smacks of hatred and intolerance
this post-modern garden of eden
is polluted...

but every now and then
a beam of dazzling white light
falls on the ground at my feet
pure in nature
soothing my soul

you have done that for me
polished a tarnished faith
brought me back from the edge
to feel that warm beam on my face
words escape me
so does the pain
when I sleep
you enter my mind
effortlessly
and it all falls away
I wake to find a flower
growing in my garden
a plot I never knew existed
it rises from the renewed soil
a promise of tomorrow
hope for today
shine baby... shine

your ______

a note from the hack...I don't know where this little ray of light came from. please bear with me as I get it the hell out of my writing. my bad.


stand on the plain
look out at the horizon
pretend for one minute
that you aren't the center
of the universe

there
can you see it?
way off in the distance
you can just make out
your ______ slipping away

it could be anything, really
come to think of it
it's everything
all you hold dear and protect
it's right in front of you
slipping away
you watch it go
too paralyzed
with fear
to move
your dreams, your aspirations
(remember those?)
you watch them drift away
they won't come back

you must follow them
give chase
never let them out of your sight
they are fickle, hard to seize
even harder to realize

I shouldn't preach
my dreams need GPS
they get so far ahead of me
it seems I'll never keep up
but I know where they are
what they smell like
in the morning after coffee
how they taste after a long day
I don't need rose colored lenses
to see their beauty
it's distant, shimmering
but it's obvious
it shines like a sunrise
blinding me (now I see)
I could tell you what I see
you wouldn't understand
we don't have the same ______

polysyllabic

rant and rave
talk 'til you're blue in the face
scream at the top of your lungs
I can't hear you
your ego and your attitude
always talking over you
your self-righteousness makin' a racket
your absolution arguing your innocence
when you speak I shudder
I used to hear angels, soft and high
the voices have become a cacophony
a pitch found only on dantes pages
I guess I never understood
I thought you were the truth
all that was good in a world gone rotten
I was naive (I loved you)
and more than a little gullible
why not help me make sense
of the words you use
the case you make
why didn't you just
stop and
talk
?