so much to say...

sometimes you have so much to say and the words won't come...

a thought

...people will tell you that what they most want from a relationship is a partner that is open, honest, present and loving...not true. what people want is a partner that is as open, honest, present and loving as they can handle...no more...

got this

top down

sun shining

on our way

could it get any better than this?

This could be the beginning of something amazing. If it is, I'm going in with my eyes and heart wide open. You feel me? At times my head spins so fast it makes me dizzy. A wonderful feeling, like when you were young and you got a big kid to spin you around real fast on the merry-go-round. I've come to realize how rare and beautiful this is. I will let this happen. I will help this happen. My hands touching something so awe inspiring swells my heart. Why deny it? My skin tingles at the thought of the slightest touch of your hand. My mind wanders all day, conspiring in the most splendid of daydreams...

top down

sun shining

on our way

it doesn't get any better than this...

I got this. Yeah, I got this...

nature

pressurized, carbonated

filled to the brim

needing to overflow

ready to explode

got this crazy idea

that this can be easy

completely effortless

essence of my life

seeing (myself) for the first time

welcoming and beautiful

accepting of who/what I am

embracing my nature

skeletons

what happened to us?
at what point did we become so jaded?
I crave the physicality of now
be it pleasure or pain
at least it's real

keeping each other at arms length

the tension palpable, pushing us apart

why must we be so frightened? of what?

we want what we fear

craving the craziness

have we become shell shocked?

afraid to feel, betrayed by betrayal

the spirit of the pain haunting us

unable to see the love everywhere

blinded by the madness

cardio

pizza from a paper plate

wine from a plastic cup

life lived

simply

the touch of sweaty skin

a kiss from smiling lips

life lived

beautifully

neck caressed by hot breath

the beat of two racing hearts

life lived

passionately

demolition

start with plain old earth, dirt

composed of the decomposing

add to it, in no particular order or proportion

blood

sweat

tears

the glue that holds it all together

now, mix it thoroughly

pack it tightly into the closed off form that has become your heart

you now have the first of many bricks with which to build your personal fortress

these bricks hold value, they don't come cheap, you earn them

stack them carefully, this bunker must be impenetrable

it needn't be large, you're all alone, you always will be

simply decorated with your most personal furnishings

time to settle in for a lengthy stay, there is no door...

as these walls go up, however slowly or quickly

no thought is given to windows or doors...or escape

hope you like it in there, are you comfy?

you don't get visitors, none are allowed

welcome to no mans land

you created it, enjoy

personally, I'm tired off my self-imposed exile

I want to see the sun, feel it's warmth

I've become so pale and fragile behind these walls

I need to move, to stretch these atrophied tendons, test their strength

I want to be touched again, hand to hand, heart to heart

won't you help me take down the barbed wire?

if I start on the inside and you start on the outside, it'll work

chiseling away at my lifes work, deconstructing the fortress,I'm so tired

I will need you to help me stand, feels like I haven't in so long

help me to see, I will be squinting against the light so bright

help me to feel, my hands are so calloused from my labor of fear...

my biggest fear is that these walls are reinforced...

better bring a jack hammer

beautiful frustration

and then...really?

how could two bodies, in all the vastness of dark space

ever manage to come so close to breathless perfection?

perfection in balance

ever evolving, their gyrations appear chaotic

oscillation becomes less apparent, self-centering chemistry

but I digress...

this is like staring at the sun

you dare not gaze directly, surely to be overwhelmed

the trick is to get a sense of this celestial body...and look away

my mind wanders...

I have become trapped in this beauty's orbit

compelled by a tidal force, quivering uncontrollably...wonderfully...

like a perfectly tuned fork or a finger lightly skimming a thin crystal flute

imagination running wild...

completely absorbed by the gravitational pull, I give in...

now we touch...we touch...shyly, as children

speed and friction build, blinding light, a stars birthright

soon we are locked in an inescapable closeness

lit from within, producing almost (almost) unbearable heat

perpetual energy, the perfect machine...

throw it all away *

debilitated by the ghosts that haunt us

crippled by the judgement of others

guilt weighing us down, sapping our strength

the things we have held dear seem ethereal now

a trick of light, smoke, and mirrors... non-existent

it's unfair that we've wasted so much time...

trying to live on the validation of others

we've lost ourselves and what's (really) important

refusing to expose a vulnerable heart

we lie to ourselves to justify the pain

sold a story riddled with ulterior motives and deceit

ashamed that we didn't see it coming

help me destroy the fear, the shame and self-doubt

help me to carry the things I can't bear alone, I need you

don't we finally deserve to live? haven't we earned a parole?

a heart unafraid, that gladly offers shelter from the storm

the feeling of a true friend, the warm embrace of acceptance

the look you see in the eyes of innocent, honest love

so powerful...so beautiful

I want to...

feel weak from desire, not punishment

taste passion that knows no boundaries

feel beauty that stops/starts my heart

know honesty without fear, without judgement

don't be afraid, you know you want it

I had a dream that we were lovers...

* Title inspired by Toad the Wet Sprocket

hard to hold

we've always believed there was time

time to find the one who understands

understands our fragility, feels our pain

pain that has dulled our senses (so numb)

senses that were formerly sharp, intensity ruled

ruled our heart, stealing our breath

breath that we once offered without hesitation

hesitation has become tyranny, ever devouring

devouring our hope, robbing us blind

blind fear now the order of the day (day after day)

now time slips away

leaving us gasping

raping our spirit

pillaging our need

leaving a void

forsaken, forgotten, forlorn

I care, but you were always so hard to hold

stop running, slow your pace, feel me while you still can

catch your breath...slow and deep

take my hand, my motives are pure

to do harm would kill me

left alone without you

...again

fuck that

true to life

I ask a lot
I know
I want a lot
...who doesn't?
I need a lot
I always will

(ask me, I'll tell you

don't be afraid, I want you

come with me, I need you)

what I ask

can't be answered
what I want

can't be given
what I need

can't be satisfied

I don't want some

I want it all

I won't settle for later

I want now

I need this, please

I can't hold back

I give/take
I live to fill/feel the need
what greater good
than to return the favor?

I always will

madness

in a virtual world

life and love exist in stasis

time stands still

you and I are a mystery

far away and funny, you make me laugh

I am new and you play along

hoping to find a heart that you can feel

your guard comes down...slowly, you are exposed

your smile and a flash of ivory skin disarms me

I realize I am in the presence of brilliance

loud, full of color, lit from the inside, beautiful genius

your hand brushes mine...you touch me

I'm scared, not sure of myself or my place

I can't pull away, feeling the draw of your moonlit face

I feel the betrayal of my heart (God Damn it!)

wonderful madness takes me

explanation of sorts

...bear with me.

twisted

attracting
repelling
reacting

for every reaction,
a completely misunderstood action
the worst assumed
the prophecy fulfilled

the space between
us and them
filled with suspicion
warping sight and sound

words leave our mouths

(something happens)

our meaning lost

where did it go?
energy, however wasted
can't be destroyed
the bell, once rung...

we twist our words
like Uri Geller bends spoons
Lord forgive us
we know not what we say

we expect respect
ready to be offended
unable to give quarter
no rest for the fragile

polarized by judgement
paralyzed by mistrust
bipolar opposites attract
drawn by the scent of fear...

the plan

here's the plan:
there is no plan.

life is anarchy with a bank account
encouraged to dream about "the good life"
how about changing the dream?
think about that

yeah, I know

so many dream of fame and (mis)fortune
few ever achieve
careful what you wish for
there are so many who toil thanklessly
we call them the less fortunate
less fortunate than who?

than this guy...

he has a boat at his place on the lake
he parties like a rock star every weekend
and has all the shallow (hollow) friends you could stand
his wife drives a BMW
enough said

really?
that's a win?
that's the reason I get out of bed every morning?

at the end of the line are the great unwashed (we fill the freeway)
we smile at people
we hold the elevator
we pray for others
we toil away our lives with no reward in sight
at a job only your boss could love
we live on the fringe of society
(in)visible

we are the people with the real dreams
but we're all on Ambien because we can't sleep
the dreams are damaged and seldom come
all I want is a great cup of coffee and a good friend
an existence that means more than having the latest gadget
I want my tan to be of the sun and my dog to bark loudly
there is nothing that can be bought
to fill the hole in our heart

I once heard Woody say,
"We need to stop loving things and using people"
we need to exchange the nouns

you think?

I love you all