demolition

start with plain old earth, dirt

composed of the decomposing

add to it, in no particular order or proportion

blood

sweat

tears

the glue that holds it all together

now, mix it thoroughly

pack it tightly into the closed off form that has become your heart

you now have the first of many bricks with which to build your personal fortress

these bricks hold value, they don't come cheap, you earn them

stack them carefully, this bunker must be impenetrable

it needn't be large, you're all alone, you always will be

simply decorated with your most personal furnishings

time to settle in for a lengthy stay, there is no door...

as these walls go up, however slowly or quickly

no thought is given to windows or doors...or escape

hope you like it in there, are you comfy?

you don't get visitors, none are allowed

welcome to no mans land

you created it, enjoy

personally, I'm tired off my self-imposed exile

I want to see the sun, feel it's warmth

I've become so pale and fragile behind these walls

I need to move, to stretch these atrophied tendons, test their strength

I want to be touched again, hand to hand, heart to heart

won't you help me take down the barbed wire?

if I start on the inside and you start on the outside, it'll work

chiseling away at my lifes work, deconstructing the fortress,I'm so tired

I will need you to help me stand, feels like I haven't in so long

help me to see, I will be squinting against the light so bright

help me to feel, my hands are so calloused from my labor of fear...

my biggest fear is that these walls are reinforced...

better bring a jack hammer

beautiful frustration

and then...really?

how could two bodies, in all the vastness of dark space

ever manage to come so close to breathless perfection?

perfection in balance

ever evolving, their gyrations appear chaotic

oscillation becomes less apparent, self-centering chemistry

but I digress...

this is like staring at the sun

you dare not gaze directly, surely to be overwhelmed

the trick is to get a sense of this celestial body...and look away

my mind wanders...

I have become trapped in this beauty's orbit

compelled by a tidal force, quivering uncontrollably...wonderfully...

like a perfectly tuned fork or a finger lightly skimming a thin crystal flute

imagination running wild...

completely absorbed by the gravitational pull, I give in...

now we touch...we touch...shyly, as children

speed and friction build, blinding light, a stars birthright

soon we are locked in an inescapable closeness

lit from within, producing almost (almost) unbearable heat

perpetual energy, the perfect machine...

throw it all away *

debilitated by the ghosts that haunt us

crippled by the judgement of others

guilt weighing us down, sapping our strength

the things we have held dear seem ethereal now

a trick of light, smoke, and mirrors... non-existent

it's unfair that we've wasted so much time...

trying to live on the validation of others

we've lost ourselves and what's (really) important

refusing to expose a vulnerable heart

we lie to ourselves to justify the pain

sold a story riddled with ulterior motives and deceit

ashamed that we didn't see it coming

help me destroy the fear, the shame and self-doubt

help me to carry the things I can't bear alone, I need you

don't we finally deserve to live? haven't we earned a parole?

a heart unafraid, that gladly offers shelter from the storm

the feeling of a true friend, the warm embrace of acceptance

the look you see in the eyes of innocent, honest love

so powerful...so beautiful

I want to...

feel weak from desire, not punishment

taste passion that knows no boundaries

feel beauty that stops/starts my heart

know honesty without fear, without judgement

don't be afraid, you know you want it

I had a dream that we were lovers...

* Title inspired by Toad the Wet Sprocket

hard to hold

we've always believed there was time

time to find the one who understands

understands our fragility, feels our pain

pain that has dulled our senses (so numb)

senses that were formerly sharp, intensity ruled

ruled our heart, stealing our breath

breath that we once offered without hesitation

hesitation has become tyranny, ever devouring

devouring our hope, robbing us blind

blind fear now the order of the day (day after day)

now time slips away

leaving us gasping

raping our spirit

pillaging our need

leaving a void

forsaken, forgotten, forlorn

I care, but you were always so hard to hold

stop running, slow your pace, feel me while you still can

catch your breath...slow and deep

take my hand, my motives are pure

to do harm would kill me

left alone without you

...again

fuck that

true to life

I ask a lot
I know
I want a lot
...who doesn't?
I need a lot
I always will

(ask me, I'll tell you

don't be afraid, I want you

come with me, I need you)

what I ask

can't be answered
what I want

can't be given
what I need

can't be satisfied

I don't want some

I want it all

I won't settle for later

I want now

I need this, please

I can't hold back

I give/take
I live to fill/feel the need
what greater good
than to return the favor?

I always will

madness

in a virtual world

life and love exist in stasis

time stands still

you and I are a mystery

far away and funny, you make me laugh

I am new and you play along

hoping to find a heart that you can feel

your guard comes down...slowly, you are exposed

your smile and a flash of ivory skin disarms me

I realize I am in the presence of brilliance

loud, full of color, lit from the inside, beautiful genius

your hand brushes mine...you touch me

I'm scared, not sure of myself or my place

I can't pull away, feeling the draw of your moonlit face

I feel the betrayal of my heart (God Damn it!)

wonderful madness takes me

explanation of sorts

...bear with me.

twisted

attracting
repelling
reacting

for every reaction,
a completely misunderstood action
the worst assumed
the prophecy fulfilled

the space between
us and them
filled with suspicion
warping sight and sound

words leave our mouths

(something happens)

our meaning lost

where did it go?
energy, however wasted
can't be destroyed
the bell, once rung...

we twist our words
like Uri Geller bends spoons
Lord forgive us
we know not what we say

we expect respect
ready to be offended
unable to give quarter
no rest for the fragile

polarized by judgement
paralyzed by mistrust
bipolar opposites attract
drawn by the scent of fear...

the plan

here's the plan:
there is no plan.

life is anarchy with a bank account
encouraged to dream about "the good life"
how about changing the dream?
think about that

yeah, I know

so many dream of fame and (mis)fortune
few ever achieve
careful what you wish for
there are so many who toil thanklessly
we call them the less fortunate
less fortunate than who?

than this guy...

he has a boat at his place on the lake
he parties like a rock star every weekend
and has all the shallow (hollow) friends you could stand
his wife drives a BMW
enough said

really?
that's a win?
that's the reason I get out of bed every morning?

at the end of the line are the great unwashed (we fill the freeway)
we smile at people
we hold the elevator
we pray for others
we toil away our lives with no reward in sight
at a job only your boss could love
we live on the fringe of society
(in)visible

we are the people with the real dreams
but we're all on Ambien because we can't sleep
the dreams are damaged and seldom come
all I want is a great cup of coffee and a good friend
an existence that means more than having the latest gadget
I want my tan to be of the sun and my dog to bark loudly
there is nothing that can be bought
to fill the hole in our heart

I once heard Woody say,
"We need to stop loving things and using people"
we need to exchange the nouns

you think?

I love you all

peace

you are here

my breath slows
vitals stabilizing
your presence soothes
calms the beast

so much hidden deep
why spoil the view?
frozen, afraid to move
alas, no where to go

how is it you know?
with the eyes of a child
you see (no, you sense)
your empathy unrehearsed
generosity without measure
sincere, genuine
love pours from you
without condition
without judgement
without limit

completely without guile

you warm me as the sun touches the earth
your spirit renews my sense of hope
it is through you that I see the good
you are the filter, it is your gift
and in your selfless manner
you give it away

you know the secrets
judgement says nothing of the judged
a treasure not shared holds no value
love is to be given with exuberance
the gift is in the giving

fugue state

"I don't mind
most of the time
but you push me so far inside" GR


in the darkest shadows of night
hiding in my emotional bunker
armor worn thin from your latest crusade
I'm beaten and bloodied by your heavy hand
numb from pain, unable to heal

depression calls on me
(we are acquainted, old friends indeed)
she has a lovers knowing touch
she creeps in close, whispering softly
subduing, stifling, crushing hope

cold, loving hands take me slowly, gently
I go willingly, suffering my penance
a baptism of fire I never tire of
because without the pain
I feel nothing

(no) control

I won't do it again...
I won't put up with it anymore
the shame
the pain
the fights to validate your insecurity
the constant petty drama
for no good reason
to control

I won't be second again...ever
I won't walk behind and to the right
I won't be less than equal
I'm done explaining
I'm done justifying
I'm done walking on eggshells
afraid to wake the beast
afraid to breathe

you can't see...
through the mistrust
through the hate
through the haze of pain
your power is under your thumb
through judgment and condemnation
you rule and you punish
all for control

well, here's the scoop...
I'm not broken
you have no need to fear me
you never have
I have value beyond that of a scapegoat
for your self-imposed tragedy
life is so short
and I am out
of control

simple

energy...wasted
love lies bleeding while the argument rages on
love...
well, maybe not love
we call it love
but what is it really?
maybe (in)tolerance is the better word

we spend half our lives trying to find it
and the other half trying to destroy it
invalidate it, suspicious of pleasure
always waiting for the other shoe to drop
we subject ourselves to unspeakable pain
to unbelievable anguish and self-doubt
sleepless nights and cloudy days alone...
for love?

love isn't blind...
oh no (sorry, really)

love sees things that aren't there
a reason to find fault where there is none
love is too often conditional acceptance
of the untenable broken relationship
we are petrified to let go of...
what if...we're alone

real love is as light and delicate as meringue

(so sweet!)

it should know no limits
accept no boundaries
never judge or condemn

so simple
so painless
so necessary
so, so beautiful


I'd rather be alone than wish I were

mirror mirror

you know me...
I'm that guy you've been warned about
you know me
good. bad. otherwise.

God allowed you too close to me
now you see me, you feel me
you'll never change me
(not that you'd want to)

I'm a reflection of you
sure, it's more of a funhouse illusion
representing all you could've (should've) been
don't you just hate mirrors?

I'm a good bad example
a loser with a heart of gold
the rules I play by aren't in a book
no book you've ever read

yet somehow...some way
you see through me, to the real me
why aren't you afraid?
I'm a badman, seriously

your heart knows the depths
(and darkness) of my soul
you fulfill needs I never knew I had
we grow symbiotic in body and mind

don't be afraid
I won't harm you, hahaha
just stow your bag in the overhead compartment
and prepare for take-off

you have nothing to fear (but fear itself)

the ride

I feel
for the first time
in a long time
an unusual sensation
crazy and unfamiliar

do you remember how it feels
as you top out on a roller coaster?
the feeling as your eyes (and mind)
realize what's about to transpire
you can't stop it from happening
you're powerless against the pull of gravity
terror and joyous anticipation become one
....and then...
you're screaming down the other side
gathering speed, hair whipping wildly
your ability to breathe temporarily suspended
stomach rising, heart racing
the end of the world is near...

then it's over
sadly, it always ends

well, you know what sweetheart?
I ain't getting off the ride
I'm tired of standing in line, sun shining
watching others enjoy the day
if I'm only getting the one go around
it won't be wasted
I promise to leave it all on the field of play
just don't let the ride end